Really Listening

Photo via James Vaughan

The Gift of Listening

The greatest gift you can give your loved ones is the gift of really listening to them. The return to school, beginning a new job, handling the care for an elderly parent, moving to a new home are all stressful events that can be eased by being able to talk to a supportive person.

Maintaining healthy interpersonal lines of communication in a family, a marriage, or a business partnership also depend on high quality listening. When sharing their concerns in challenging situations, simply the type of listening one receives can make all the difference.

There’s a lot of difference between listening and hearing.

G. K. Chesterton

Life will always bring change. Some change we actively engineer; some comes unbidden. We can best offer comfort and compassion to others as well as receive the same if we take the time to polish up our listening skills.

Hearing Isn’t Listening

Many people confuse hearing with listening. Just hearing the other person’s words doesn’t constitute really listening. So often, in an exchange, we have made up our minds about the issue and are impatiently waiting to wade in with our opinion, advice, direction, judgment or criticism.

In his popular book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey states: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

We tend to be self referential creatures and without a strong commitment to weaning ourselves from our petty desires and our need to be right, our listening can be shallow at best. It often is done with the barest of attention and hence we frequently miss the speaker’s true message, or we misconstrue it, cobbling together some assemblage of what we thought we heard.

Photo by Florian Seroussi

This latter behavior resembles the kindergarten game of ‘telephone’. In this game a message is whispered from one to another around in a circle until the last person speaks the message out loud. This final message is frequently all scrambled and in no way resembles the original whispered message. This can be a source of great fun for children; it isn’t as pleasant for us when we had no intent to play a game.

Learning to Listen

How many times have you said or heard “You’re just not listening” or “You don’t hear me”? In his classic novel Tender is the Night, F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote:

Intermittently she caught the gist of his sentences and supplied the rest from her subconscious, as one picks up the striking of a clock in the middle, with only the rhythm of the first uncounted strokes lingering in the mind.

Breaking free from our own internal preoccupations and honing empathic listening requires a specific set of skills. Many writers, educators, and spiritual teachers have contributed guidelines for improving our ability to listen effectively.

Professor Rex Campbell offered a helpful compilation of these suggestions in his book Leadership: Getting it Done:

1. Concentration

   Train yourself to concentrate on the speaker; pay attention to the verbal and visual clues from the speaker.

2. Attention

   This is the visual portion of concentration. We show the speaker we are truly listening through eye contact and our body language.

3. Understanding of communication symbols

   A good command of the spoken language is essential for effective listening. As a masterful listener you must concentrate on the context of the usage to correctly understand the message.

4. Objective

   You should be open to the message the other person is sending. Become aware of your own limitations and work with dedication to keep a flexible, open mind.

5. Restating the message

   Your restating the message as part of your response can enhance the effectiveness of good communication. “I want to make sure that I have fully understood your message…”

6. Questioning/Clarifying

   Questions can serve the same purpose as restating the message. If you are unclear about the intent of the message, ask for more information.

7. Empathy, not sympathy

   A good listener is both understanding and sensitive to the other’s feelings and thoughts (empathy). This is different from having the same feelings or becoming like the speaker (sympathy).

8. Strategic Pauses

   Appropriate use of pauses lets the speaker know you are carefully considering their message.

9. Don’t Interject

   Cap off the tendency to jump in with your opinion or “isn’t this really what you meant to say?” You will shift the power in the experience, assuming dominance over the speaker. This will derail your efforts to achieve good listening.

10. Leave the Channel Open

    Always be open to additional messages. This is particularly effective with children. A nod or encouraging smile can help a young speaker continue with their message.

Photo by Mark Sebastian

Listen For Life

Taking the time to upgrade your listening skills is a worthwhile endeavor. Research shows we devote more than 75% of our waking hours to some type of communication¹. By utilizing the suggestions listed above you can enhance your ability to really hear others and in doing so reap the benefits of deeper understanding, fewer misunderstandings or arguments and enhanced relationships.

We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say.

Zeno of Citium



1. University of Missouri Ext, CM150, 10/93 ↩