Perfectionism: A Deadly Saboteur

Posted on January 1, 2014 by Mary Martin-Blair

Photo by DezCreates

Here comes the New Year and with it all our promises to eat better, exercise more, spend more time with family and friends. Typically within just a couple of weeks none of these resolves have become actions. What hangs us up? What blocks us from achieving the things we most want? One likely suspect is perfectionism.

Perfectionism is the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accomplished by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness.

Merriam-Webster

How Perfectionism Sabotages Our Resolve

We find ourselves snacking on the leftover Christmas cookies and that small act trips our perfectionism: we believe we’ve blown our commitment to eating better. Or we sleep in and don’t have time for the morning run we promised ourselves. So we feel defeated and abandon our new fitness regime. We are required to work late and have to cancel our date night with our partner or miss our child’s soccer game. We feel discouraged and our inner critic tells us how lousy we are for not keeping our promise to spend more time with those we love. Our belief that there is one right, perfect way for things to unfold sets us up for failure.

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.

Anne Lamott

The Roots of Perfectionism

Photo by Marie Coleman

Perfectionism is often a response to early childhood experiences that were out of the child’s control. Experiences that were marked by anger, abuse, addiction, neglect. Separation, divorce, death, if poorly handled by the adults in a child’s life, take a huge toll on the child’s sense of well being.

One way to compensate is to focus on being in control, doing things right, avoiding mistakes. The desire to be loved and accepted, not being met adequately by the child’s caregivers, is re directed into a commitment to perfectionism. It is a sincere attempt to manage the fear and loss that these disruptive experiences engender.

Perfectionism as Self Abuse

The snag is that this is a decision made as a child—lacking in wisdom and understanding of the greater context of life. As such, the choice to utilize perfectionism as a safeguard typically backfires over time. That aspect of our psyche called the inner critic (or superego if referencing Freud), grabs hold of perfectionism. Since life is a chaotic, messy affair, perfectionism is unlikely to win out. Thus, our inner critic has a field day pointing out repeatedly how we fall short of our goals.

Perfectionism is self abuse of the highest order.

Anne Wilson Schaef

Transformation: From Saboteur to Ally

  • The first step toward transformation is to become aware of the destructive nature of perfectionism.
  • Learn to appreciate a dedication to excellence separate from the seduction of perfectionism. Excellence allows us to act in accord with our highest good. We choose to use our gifts and talents in a disciplined way to achieve a higher level of functioning. It dos not have to do with the ever shifting goals of perfectionism nor perfectionism’s rejection of mistakes.
  • Welcome humor into your life. Learn to laugh. Be willing to laugh at yourself. Scientists have found that laughter enhances our bodies: improving blood flow, immune response, lowers blood sugar levels and brings relaxation and more restful sleep.
  • Practice forgiveness. Forgive yourself for eating the Christmas cookies, for getting up late, for missing your date night or child’s soccer game. The Mayo Clinic reports that forgiveness brings healthier relationships, greater spiritual and psychological well being, less anxiety, stress and hostility, lowers blood pressure, and reduces depression.
  • Finally, pay attention to the urge to adhere to higher than possible standards and recognize that this is just your effort to control the uncontrollable, to mange the old fear of not getting your needs met. Perfectionism can become an ally if you are ready to use it as a springboard to greater self awareness and acceptance. Remember,

If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done.

Ecclesiastes 11:4

This entry was posted in The Mind.

One Response to Perfectionism: A Deadly Saboteur